Post by BloodEye on Jul 13, 2006 8:25:02 GMT -5
As I figure every organized religion (regardless of how loosely organized) needs a branch others can look at funny, I am in the process of branching off from the standard Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to form the Mid-western Unorthodox church.
While generally similar to standard FSM, there are a few differences.
First, rather than focusing on how we're all the same, we focus on how we're different. This isn't to say we support sexism, racism, or most any other -ism. This is really to justify being a separate branch of the church, rather than just a subgroup.
Secondly, we are more firm in the belief that the FSM is NOT the only god. And by 'god' we mean 'powerful being who does divine stuff'. The FSM may be the highest god in the pantheon, or somewhere down the chain of command. There might not even be a chain of command, but a mish-mash of anarchy, each divine being doing their own thing. Just what other gods there are, or how many, is uncertain. As a general rule of thumb, follow the concept that honest Belief has some Power in defining reality. Thus, whatever someone truly believes, no matter how silly, is on some level true.
We do not hold that pirates are sacred. Pretty cool, and holding a high place in things, yes. But not sacred. Parrots and monkeys aren't sacred either. Anything which might poop on your shoulder is not sacred. While such is unlikely in the case of a pirate, we're not taking chances on this.
Beer is not sacred. Beer is not grog. And while grog may have been the traditional drink of pirates, pirates are not sacred, and thus grog holds no special place. Rum, however, is to be treated as holy water. What brand of rum is left to the tastes of the individual, but it is generally considered that cheap rum is an insult to the holy ambrosia.
But the main divergence in Mid-western Unorthodox FSMism is not in matters of this world, but the next. We do not believe that heaven has either a beer volcano, nor a stripper factory. Well, okay, maybe they're there in a back corner or something, but neither would be particularly important.
A beer volcano is vaguely cool, but as has been established, beer is not sacred to us. And while volcanoes are also fairly nifty, they have a bad habit of erupting at awkward times and destroying things you would have preferred to keep around. Thus, we of the MwUCFSM hold to the idea of the Holy Rum Hot Springs.
Then there's the stripper factory. Quite frankly, we find this not only unworthy of heaven, but fairly insulting and far more suited to a hell. Which is why it might be in a back corner somewhere, as Heaven and Hell are the same place, it's just a matter of what you're doing there. Anyway, a stripper factory is bad. First, the matter of strippers. Seeing as how this is Heaven, we'll be generous and assume that these are hot athletic strippers who can actually dance and honestly enjoy their job, not skanks with needle marks who are only in it for the money. But the fact remains that they are strippers; which isn't a bad thing in and of itself. But the 'look don't touch' rule is pretty universally established. As was established elsewhere, that's a little like paying 80 bucks to go into a steak house, and you can only look at the steak. For an extra 50, you can smell it. Again, much more suited for hell then heaven. (please note that the previous metaphor is not meant to offend vegetarians, nor to suggest women are pieces of meat. For those who might be otherwise offended, feel free to substitute 'apple' for 'steak', though the metaphor doesn't work quite so well.)
Secondly, factory. Factories take of space, pollute, require workers, managers, raw materials, and marketing. While a heavenly factory would most certainly minimize all these aspects, a factory remains not quite divine.
Thus, we of the Mid-western Unorthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster hold faith in a nympho grove. And please note that while the word 'nympho' is based off the female myth of the nymph, the sacred grove produces males as well. And while interested in hot sex, holy nymphos are equally willing to listen to you, hold meaningful conversations, or just cuddle.
And thus is MwUCFSM. Please note that this is by no means an exhaustive list, and is indeed likely to change as new and better information presents itself. As with standard FSM, we do not hold to dogma; we might be wrong. As such, feel free to disagree. If you're wrong, we can laugh about it later while soaking in a hot pool of rum, surrounded by naturally grown nymphos.
While generally similar to standard FSM, there are a few differences.
First, rather than focusing on how we're all the same, we focus on how we're different. This isn't to say we support sexism, racism, or most any other -ism. This is really to justify being a separate branch of the church, rather than just a subgroup.
Secondly, we are more firm in the belief that the FSM is NOT the only god. And by 'god' we mean 'powerful being who does divine stuff'. The FSM may be the highest god in the pantheon, or somewhere down the chain of command. There might not even be a chain of command, but a mish-mash of anarchy, each divine being doing their own thing. Just what other gods there are, or how many, is uncertain. As a general rule of thumb, follow the concept that honest Belief has some Power in defining reality. Thus, whatever someone truly believes, no matter how silly, is on some level true.
We do not hold that pirates are sacred. Pretty cool, and holding a high place in things, yes. But not sacred. Parrots and monkeys aren't sacred either. Anything which might poop on your shoulder is not sacred. While such is unlikely in the case of a pirate, we're not taking chances on this.
Beer is not sacred. Beer is not grog. And while grog may have been the traditional drink of pirates, pirates are not sacred, and thus grog holds no special place. Rum, however, is to be treated as holy water. What brand of rum is left to the tastes of the individual, but it is generally considered that cheap rum is an insult to the holy ambrosia.
But the main divergence in Mid-western Unorthodox FSMism is not in matters of this world, but the next. We do not believe that heaven has either a beer volcano, nor a stripper factory. Well, okay, maybe they're there in a back corner or something, but neither would be particularly important.
A beer volcano is vaguely cool, but as has been established, beer is not sacred to us. And while volcanoes are also fairly nifty, they have a bad habit of erupting at awkward times and destroying things you would have preferred to keep around. Thus, we of the MwUCFSM hold to the idea of the Holy Rum Hot Springs.
Then there's the stripper factory. Quite frankly, we find this not only unworthy of heaven, but fairly insulting and far more suited to a hell. Which is why it might be in a back corner somewhere, as Heaven and Hell are the same place, it's just a matter of what you're doing there. Anyway, a stripper factory is bad. First, the matter of strippers. Seeing as how this is Heaven, we'll be generous and assume that these are hot athletic strippers who can actually dance and honestly enjoy their job, not skanks with needle marks who are only in it for the money. But the fact remains that they are strippers; which isn't a bad thing in and of itself. But the 'look don't touch' rule is pretty universally established. As was established elsewhere, that's a little like paying 80 bucks to go into a steak house, and you can only look at the steak. For an extra 50, you can smell it. Again, much more suited for hell then heaven. (please note that the previous metaphor is not meant to offend vegetarians, nor to suggest women are pieces of meat. For those who might be otherwise offended, feel free to substitute 'apple' for 'steak', though the metaphor doesn't work quite so well.)
Secondly, factory. Factories take of space, pollute, require workers, managers, raw materials, and marketing. While a heavenly factory would most certainly minimize all these aspects, a factory remains not quite divine.
Thus, we of the Mid-western Unorthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster hold faith in a nympho grove. And please note that while the word 'nympho' is based off the female myth of the nymph, the sacred grove produces males as well. And while interested in hot sex, holy nymphos are equally willing to listen to you, hold meaningful conversations, or just cuddle.
And thus is MwUCFSM. Please note that this is by no means an exhaustive list, and is indeed likely to change as new and better information presents itself. As with standard FSM, we do not hold to dogma; we might be wrong. As such, feel free to disagree. If you're wrong, we can laugh about it later while soaking in a hot pool of rum, surrounded by naturally grown nymphos.